Is a choice now a choice for always?

So I am jobless again. Well, that's not entirely true. I have a job teaching chess to elementary school kids 6 hours a week. But that is hardly something to live off of. I have the same questions running through my head that I have for years. Why haven't I tried the adult industry?
I'm not shy. I understand the difference between consent and violation. I'm good at defining and communicating my boundaries. I'm very creative and would probably be a lot of fun to work with, and I bet I'd have fun on the job. And I need money. Now. So why don't I take the leap?
There is the puritanical, societal fear in me that if I 'go there,' there's no turning back. But there are millions of adult website and adult video production companies. That a parent or fellow teacher would recognize me is highly unlikely, about the same probability of getting struck by lightning.
And why isn't it something I couldn't do just now and then? It's not like every job you take is a career choice. Am I afraid that I will like it? Or that suddenly, I will have a scarlet P (for pornographer) embedded in my face, and people will know. Or is it that I would have to be dishonest with my mother, tell her I was doing individual performance therapy or strange experimental videos. Really, I don't see how it could affect me in a negative way.
But there is till this question, 'What if?' Like jumping off a cliff.
Would being a pornographer actually give me the financial freedom to do the kind of projects I wanted to do? Could I make educational videos about sex? Sure I could. It's just getting the puritans in my head (and there really aren't that many) to shut up. I wonder if I'll take the leap.

Hours before dusk on Ocean Beach

Despite my cramps, or maybe because of them, I decide to take a walk on Ocean Beach. I cross the street to the dunes and my heart lifts. Sandpipers scurry and skip by the shore, sticking their needle nose beaks in the sand. Pelicans fly in formation overhead, and I remember sitting on the beach with a new friend who stopped mid-sentence to gape at the glory of the smelly seabirds.
I find a tiny, unbroken shell. It is the color of caramel flan.
On my way back, I watch a group of people from a distance. They sit in a circle, making music: chanting, banging on wine bottles and bowls with sticks, singing. A tall man with dreadlocks and a wide-brimmed hat beckons me. I approach, sit down, am handed a bowl and a stick. I participate. We are not a talented ensemble. We are not paying attention to any rules. There is no recognizable structure. It feels good.
We do not exchange names or personal information. But they like me. And I like them.
After awhile, I hand the bowl back, say thank you, and come home.

Ponderances on love II

Or maybe it is when we willingly give another human being the power to hurt us and (hopefully) trust that s/he/they won't. . .

Ponderances on love

All of my blogs eventually turn into this.

Maybe it is when we realize that another human being apart from ourselves has wants and needs and we genuinely care

Curious, these intimacies

It's curious, how these deep connections happen
Who knows
How long
They will last?
But once a person has been so close
In mind and body
One begins to miss them
At certain points during the day

A sore muscle or boredom that becomes
loneliness beckon
His hands, lips and laughter.

It's so new
And I
Am so accustomed
to coffee for one
I am sheepish at my words
Wanting to whip wool in my eyes
So I don't have to see
My own human needs.

But they're there
Whether or not I want them.

I think of him.

The Hours of Sadness

Between the hours of 4 and 6 am
I am awake in the roiling night
It's creeping sadness
A darkening bruise left by the falling sun

Slumber's arms won't hold me
I am met with sand
Between my toes
A booby trap
Of old photographs
And the weightlessness
of solitude
A ghost
Moustached mouth
Feathers brushed
Across my cheek
Lips pursed
In indecision
Overlapping mine.

10 Week Improv Course

Come Make Funny Ha Ha

10 -Week Improv Course hosted by

Team Lexington and the Caretakers


Where:
848 Divisadero between Fulton and McAllistster

When:
July 19th-September 20th, Saturdays 1:15 to 2:30

Instructor:
Harvey Rabbit
415-637-2108

Cost:
FREE if you show up for all 10 classes. (If you miss a class and don’t give me any notice, you will be fined $10)

Maximum number of students:
12

You MUST register for this class by July 17th. (That means emailing me and telling me you will be there.)

The Class:
This 10-week course will culminate in an informal performance for friends and family members. Over 10 weeks, we will learn how to work as an ensemble and create a spur-of-the-moment show, utilizing aspects of clown, character work, and improvisation.

The Instructor:
Harvey Rabbit has an MFA in Experimental Performance and Clowning from the Experimental Performance Institute. She has created and performed work for international audiences and has been teaching performance for five years.



www.harveyrabbit.net
"Hey Buddy, this is art!"